My Destiny, Part One: Godforsaken by Law

I HAVE been called many things in my life.  There is no denying that.  Some has been justified, some- not so much.  Some has been hurtful, some- not so much.  I have been called hateful; and I have been called too loving.  I have been accused of being a mocker of God's Word; and I have been called someone who takes God's Word too seriously.  I have been called someone who caused division because I don't always agree with people; and I have been called a person who tries too hard to bring people together.  I have been labeled a hypocrite; and I have been hailed as a saint...  OK, maybe not literally on that last part, but you get the idea... :)

Yes, I have been called many things, have been many faces to many people...  But the real question is what am I when all the masks break away, when the different perceptions are gone, when I am stripped bare to face the throne of God...  When I am face down to the King of Kings, about to be judged by His law...

By His law...  I am someone who has held other gods- including myself- before Him.  I am an idolator.  I have taken His Name in vain, both literrally and figuratively.  I have mocked Him and His Word.  Instead of being at rest and peace with Him, I have waged war against Him in my heart.  I have disrespected my parents- indeed, the very gift of life itself.  I have hated my brother, secretly killing him in my heart.  I have lusted...  the very sin of adultery in the shadows of my mind.  I have stolen!  Things that were never meant to be mine, clutched tightly in my hands...  I have lied about my neighbor... and my neighbor's neighbor...  And the guy down the street...  And the girl 4 houses over...  Oh the stories I have told about them...  And why not?  After all, THEY get all the good stuff- the nice car that should be mine; the huge house that I should be living in... 

Hypocrite.

I admit it.

By His law, His holy Word, all of my good is stripped bare.  I am exposed before Him and before all for what I am.  I am an unclean thing.  ALL of my righteousness is as filthy rags.  I am dirty, disgusting, grimy, putrid.  What is there in me to be proud of?  What good in my life can I point to?  What love in my life, what light in my soul?

I am hypocrite.  Nothing more, nothing less.  All of those hurtful things that have been spoken of me... are all true.  I cannot deny them.  Every accusation- though I would flee from them, to run away and burrow away hiding from them, they hunt me down and devour me because they are truth.

I am nothing.  There is no good, no lovely thing about me.

I am Godforsaken, for He cannot look upon sin- and I am sin.

Now that the mask has deteriorated into dust I see for myself who I am.  How I long to be able to go back in time, to change choices I have made, to undo wrongs and make them right... 

But it is like the poet once said,

"I made a choice that I regret,
Now what I see is what I get
It's too late to look back
I've got no way to switchback."

No way to switchback.  No way to undo.  No way no how no help.  The only thing before me now is to face what I have become, to face this unmasked creature from within, to take the sword and slay the dragon that I have allowed to consume my soul!  But... there is just one problem.  I do not have the strength of one man, let alone ten thousand.  My attempt to reach for a sword falls flat; I cannot even lift a finger.  This new sight has caused me to collapse as though dead on the ground, to be surrounded by darkness. 

And it is in this darkness that I...


...to be continued...