My Destiny, Part Two: 1000 Apologies

...And it is in this darkness that I somehow muster the strength for a feeble cry... it barely escapes my lips, the smallest of voices in my mind and ears...  and yet it echoes in the darkness, as if off of unseen walls in the black, growing louder, louder still until it becomes deafening... help!  I cry, as I realize I can no longer move on my own.  My spiritual state has struck me down, a sword to the heart, and left me for dead.  But somehow I still manage breath.  I choke out the whispered apologies... 

I have so many to make.  I have wasted so much time, precious time given by God...  I have committed spiritual treason against myself, my family, my friends...  Despite my own efforts, despite my own thoughts of myself I have become the hypocrite, the pharisee, the whitewashed tomb full of dead men's bones...  So many apologies...  Where to begin?

Where do you begin when you have 1000 apologies to make, apologies that are just words, that can never change the past, that can never mend the damage done, that can never erase the scars...  Scars given to others, and to myself.  If words can never hurt- then they can never heal.  They are just empty expressions, void of meaning.  Yet these empty expressions are all I have left in me.  It is all my strength to put down my pride and admit I was wrong.  It takes every muscle in my body to form the words, I repent.  I commission these words with prayer, hoping that He will give meaning to the only thing I have left to give.

My reality lies in the fact that I cannot escape my destiny in my own strength.  My reality is that I cannot rescue myself.  As my life plays out before me, my reality is that it was not I that ever did anything good... nor was it I that had the strength to whisper my apologies, my repentance.

Repentance...  Is it real?  Do I have any capability to turn from this disease infected self that I am?  Do I have any capability to not just apologize but to make a lifestyle change so radical that it is though I am a new creation?  Will my apologies, barren and empty yet from the depths of my soul, will they mean anything?

All I can do is ponder these questions.  They echo through my skull, driving me mad with hopelessness, until out of the corner of my eye I see...

...to be continued...