My Destiny, Part Two: 1000 Apologies

...And it is in this darkness that I somehow muster the strength for a feeble cry... it barely escapes my lips, the smallest of voices in my mind and ears...  and yet it echoes in the darkness, as if off of unseen walls in the black, growing louder, louder still until it becomes deafening... help!  I cry, as I realize I can no longer move on my own.  My spiritual state has struck me down, a sword to the heart, and left me for dead.  But somehow I still manage breath.  I choke out the whispered apologies... 

I have so many to make.  I have wasted so much time, precious time given by God...  I have committed spiritual treason against myself, my family, my friends...  Despite my own efforts, despite my own thoughts of myself I have become the hypocrite, the pharisee, the whitewashed tomb full of dead men's bones...  So many apologies...  Where to begin?

Where do you begin when you have 1000 apologies to make, apologies that are just words, that can never change the past, that can never mend the damage done, that can never erase the scars...  Scars given to others, and to myself.  If words can never hurt- then they can never heal.  They are just empty expressions, void of meaning.  Yet these empty expressions are all I have left in me.  It is all my strength to put down my pride and admit I was wrong.  It takes every muscle in my body to form the words, I repent.  I commission these words with prayer, hoping that He will give meaning to the only thing I have left to give.

My reality lies in the fact that I cannot escape my destiny in my own strength.  My reality is that I cannot rescue myself.  As my life plays out before me, my reality is that it was not I that ever did anything good... nor was it I that had the strength to whisper my apologies, my repentance.

Repentance...  Is it real?  Do I have any capability to turn from this disease infected self that I am?  Do I have any capability to not just apologize but to make a lifestyle change so radical that it is though I am a new creation?  Will my apologies, barren and empty yet from the depths of my soul, will they mean anything?

All I can do is ponder these questions.  They echo through my skull, driving me mad with hopelessness, until out of the corner of my eye I see...

...to be continued...

Love Your Brother, Hate Your Brother

So yesterday evening I was walking with my wife in downtown Nampa, having a nice stroll when we came across the Blue Eye tavern...  now there are two realities here; first, the blue eye is a creepy place.  Not a place we visit, just one we hope would close down.  Second, we have a tendancy to attract strange people...  It is almost like they flock to us...  Case in point- a strange lady came up to us, this older asian woman with long black hair- and a white stripe dyed down the center of said hair, giving the illusion that she was wearing the scalp of a skunk on her head. 

So she comes up to us and whispers, "come here" and motions us about 2 feet away from the door of the blue eye.  Then looking around, in a hushed voice, says- "I just want to ask you if the blue eye is open..."  She then continues talking all about how great the club is...  Keep in mind she has to be in her late 50's, so that adds to the bizarness of the situation...

While she was a little strange, the thing is, when we are out we encounter a lot of strange people.  But sometimes they are strange people- in the Body.  People who are fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, who just seem a little on the odd side.  Yes, I know that I am odd, but I am talking a different kind of odd. 

Then there is the other type of odd... the type that drives you crazy...  the type that even make you mad...  Have you ever experienced that?  I know I have.  Now understand, it takes a lot to make me mad.  But sometimes you meet those people that are like a thorn in your side.  There is just something about them that grates on your nerves...  Like fingernails across a chalkboard... (shudders)

I think that we need to come to an understanding.  Sometimes people make us mad; and that is ok.  It is ok to not always get along.  It is ok to have differences of opinion.  It is ok even to get in arguements sometimes.  But what is NOT ok is letting those differences breed hate.  The apostle John  writes in 1 John 2 that if we hate our brother, we do not walk in the light of Christ but rather are blinded by darkness.  This is a very serious warning he issues us...  And we must be careful to guard our heart against hate.

"But I don't hate, I wouldn't hate anyone!" you say.  Maybe so- but then, often times hate sneaks in unexpected.  Like an unseen enemy it grips our heart, and often we do not see it until it has consumed us.  How do we stop such an enemy before it takes hold?  How do we combat such a powerful foe?

The first and most important step is communication.  When our brothers and sisters anger us, we must communicate it with God.  We must take it to Him in prayer, with a humble heart.  Then we must do the hard thing- we must be willing to take it to our brother or sister.  We must not hold on to it!  If we do not let it go then we will only end up giving in- to hate.

The question becomes then, why do we insist on holding on to our anger when our focus should be on the real enemy?  We must take every effort to put our differences aside, taking down walls of difference- even walls of anger- and allow wounds to heal.  We must join together as the Body, working as the Body in order to reach the world around us. 

Do you have anger or hate in your heart for a brother or sister?  It is time to put it down.  It is time we fight to win- and fight we must, by waging war against angry division.  End the hate. Pray to god. Love your brother.